Laying Down the Law

So.... Mom had a bit of an argument with gravity last week, and (as usually happens in such cases) gravity won.  I was at the other end of the room and can honestly say it was one of those falls that you watch in slow motion, thinking this is not going to end well the entire time.  Amazingly, despite going down backwards and landing hard, the final score (so far) is a wrist broken in 2 places on one side, a very sore hand & wrist on the other side, a ridiculously painful lower back, and some truly spectacular bruising. (I said "so far" because we are still waiting for the results of the lumbar MRI, but the X-rays show no fractures.)  Oh, and the cat -- who played the role of "object being tripped over to initiate the fall" -- is totally OK.

I bring this up because 1) it explains why the draft blog post I was going to upload several days ago remains a draft and 2) it gave the Pipsqueak a chance to really lay down the law to Grandma.... and to Uncle Brian while she was at it.

You see, we're one of those families in which everyone worries about worrying someone else while worrying that maybe someone didn't tell us something to avoid worrying us. (Yes, that sometimes really is just as ridiculous as it sounds. We can't help it.)  The result this time was that, despite my texting AJ with the gory details & updates every few minutes, we all quickly agreed that Miri would be really upset if she knew Grandma had gotten hurt, so we woudn't tell her anything until we could also reassure her that Grandma really was OK.

The first crack in our not-so-carefully-constructed wall of silence came not too long after I brought Mom & Dad back home from the ER[1].  AJ had joined us in the ER for a little while -- it was along her route from work to pick up Miri from the dance studio -- so she & Miri got home not too long after Mom had gotten situated on the family room couch as comfortably as possible. As usual, the Pipsqueak called to say they'd gotten home alright and while she was talking with me Mom quietly said something about needing more painkillers... and Ol' Radar Ears on the other end of the line heard that just fine, thank you.

I literally stuttered while trying to figure out how to reply, and came up with something about Grandma had accidentally banged her hand on the corner of some furniture while cleaning. I knew right away that I was in trouble because Miri started to grill me on exactly what was wrong and it was getting hard to keep my story straight... but eventually she decided she was too hungry to wait any more and ended the call so she could have dinner.

I congratulated myself on dodging a bullet.

I was grossly premature with those congratulations.

A couple of days later, I'm at home and the phone rings a little later than usual, Caller ID letting me know it's either my sister or my niece. (Not unusual if one of the cats has done something particularly cute or if homework needs an extra hand.)  I pick up the phone and immediately hear, "Uncle Brian, you lied to me! I know Grandma fell!"  Stuttering a bit all over again, I explained about little white lies and fibbing because none of us wanted her to worry, and that we had planned to tell her all along but were waiting to make sure we knew what would happen next, and pretty much any other excuse I could come up with. (We really did mean well, after all!)

I could've saved myself a lot of time and embarrassment if I'd simply said "yadda yadda blah blah" into the phone for all the good my explanations did.  My niece calmly waited for me to wind down, and then began to speak a little slowly, enunciating every word clearly.

"Uncle Brian, I am smart enough to find out if something is wrong and I am old enough to deal with things that happen. You should not have lied to me even though you did it to be nice because I WILL FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED and I will worry less if I know instead of having to think you may not be telling me the truth. I appreciate your not wanting to worry me but in the future you WILL tell me what is happening so that I don't have any bad surprises and I don't have to worry about not being told the truth.  Understand?"  (That quote isn't verbatim, but it's darn close, I promise.)

I managed to prevent the laughter inside my head from escaping and promised that in the future I would not hold back the truth from her, and the conversation quickly turned to how cute Licorice is, the latest stuff happening with the dance team, which kid fell on the playground at recess, and so on. The call ended with another reminder that I WILL FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED SO YOU TELL ME and that was that.

Funny thing is, about half an hour later I called to check in on Mom to see how she was feeling and she told me that she'd gotten almost the exact same lecture on the phone just before I had.  We laughed about it but both realized that just because Miri isn't quite 10-1/2 doesn't mean we're supposed to treat her with kid gloves... because (we agreed) it will catch up with us in the end, sooner rather than later.

I got a second, albeit shorter, lecture in the car when I picked Miri up after school the next day, so the rules are now very clear.

I'm wondering how much law school is gonna cost...

[1]  This was by far the shortest ER visit any of us have ever had, just roughly four hours from leaving the house to returning. It was a good thing, too; the nurse working with us said that they were already short-handed and that she was only supposed to work a half shift, leaving them even more short-handed after 7pm... and that there had already been 2 callouts for the 11pm shift.  Treat your nursing staff kindly when you're in a hospital, they are likely to be having a truly crappy day.

Sticks and Stones...

We've all heard that old sing-song line, right? "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me..."

Unfortunately, that's often not true.  Words can hurt, words can scar, words can oppress. And sometimes even very small words said by very young children in blissful ignorance of their "behind the scenes" meaning can be as damaging as legal slander or intentional emotional abuse by an adult.

One such word that affects adoptees far, far more than anyone else is "real" (funny how it's a four-letter word)... as in the phrase, "She's not your real mother," as said to Miri by a classmate this past June.  And, as story after story after story has proven, said far too often to far too many adoptees by far too many people who are either ignorant, uninformed, or downright frakking nasty.  In the case of a young child saying it, there is a real opportunity for what used to be called a "teaching moment" that can shape their attitudes and behaviors for years to come...

...but sometimes the pain and embarrassment of dealing with the word's effects prevent that teaching from ever taking place, and the pain of the moment instead lives on in the heart & mind of the adoptee and their family.

I'm a member of the (private) Facebook group Parents with Children Adopted from China, where a recent post tells the tale of one such teaching moment that a young girl's big sister would not let pass unnoticed.  With permission, I've reproduced the entire text of the post by Jennifer Haney Bennett below:

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My older daughter wrote this in response to an incident at a Halloween party where the girls played a game they call family and there were “real” kids and “adopted” kids. Our girl was upset and fortunately her BFF saw this and ordered the game to end. We are not angry about the incident just sad as we know it won’t be the first or last time these things work into her mind and make her think things she shouldn’t. Enter big sister, Morgan, who heard what happened, came home from college and had a “sister day” with our 8 year old. Later, she wrote a fb post that I thought was quite amazing. 

“The definition of the word ‘real’ is straightforward. It is not a word that is commonly misused. This being said, there are certain contexts where the word holds power. Power to hurt. Power to confuse. Power to make one overthink. The situation I am referring to is adoption. 

I hear this term used all the time when referring to biological versus adopted children. “Are they your real child?” The question a person is intending to ask is “Are they your biological child?” This does not anger me. I understand that not everyone in the world has had a reason to ponder this word in depth like I have. Hearing this word used in this way simply drives me to educate. 

Children who are adopted are real children for many reasons. First, in the most obvious sense, they have a heart that beats and lungs that breathe, they are real humans. The second concept is where I hear the most people struggle. Children who are adopted are real members of the family. To quote the definition above, I will say that my sister, who is adopted, is not my ‘imagined or supposed’ sister. I think very few people can argue that fact. She is the realest, coolest, smartest, funniest sister out there. 

Being aware of how amazing my sister is makes it hard to see her upset. As an 8 year old, hearing the word ‘real’ used in the way described above upsets her. She doesn’t get angry and yell, but the gears in her head start turning and going into overdrive. She ponders phrases like these with her whole heart. At eight years old she thinks about the validity of her family. I know that she knows she is our family, but the fact that others might be confused about that has an effect on her that is heartbreaking to me as her sister. 

Take time and choose your words carefully. Think about how they might be perceived. Parents, take 5 minutes out of your day to explain this to your child, your partner, your friends, your parents, the cashier at the grocery store. I would appreciate it and many others would as well.”

-- Morgan Bennett 20, sister to Emme Bennett 8

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As wonderful as Big Sis' powerful response to her Lil' Sis having to deal with some adoption-related caca might be, the in-group responses to the post include a number of stories that show far too many people seem to believe that "family" is defined solely, purely, and irreconcilably by shared genes and nothing else, almost always to the very real detriment of adoptees and their families.  My niece IS. MY. NIECE. PERIOD.  You try to attack or deny the mother-daughter link AJ has with Miri, and there ain't no power on this planet that will save your sorry butt from having some of your genome spread out on the floor.

Yes, we've all heard the news stories about the idiot who put her adopted kid on a plane back to Russia because he was more difficult to deal with than she wanted him to be, and we've all heard the news stories about the beast who killed her adopted daughter and stashed the body in her freezer... But those stand out because they are so over the top, unique, aberrant, and unacceptable -- but they are a hallmark of unprepared, unrealistic, self-absorbed and possibly mentally deficient individuals and NOT of adoptive families. (Go ask any CPS worker for a few horror stories involving "real" families comprised entirely of blood relatives and your hemoglobin will curdle. I promise.)

By now, we've also all seen the joke in "The Avengers" movie when Thor's entire explanation for Loki's behavior is, "He's adopted."  I have to admit I chuckled the first time -- but then I lost the next couple of minutes of the movie because the actual meaning & effect of that statement hit me, and I was so, so, soooo very glad Miri wasn't there with me because I know that chuckle would've hurt her, young as she was.

Who is a "real" parent?  Shared genes don't raise a child; love and care and involvement and support and encouragement and education and a crap ton of other things raise a child and make someone a parent.  Who is a "real" member of a family?  In a society where people really mean it when they say their dog, cat, pot-bellied pig, etc. etc. "is a member of my family" there is zero excuse for a human being who is loved, is cared for, and shares every aspect of other family members' lives to be considered anything BUT a "real" member of the family.  (Chew on this a moment: your spouse is about as "family" as anyone can get, but is he/she a blood relative...? It's all based on a personal choice of label and a piece of paper with an official stamp -- so why is that not equally acceptable for adoptees?)

You want to talk about "bio kids" and "bio parents" or "birth parents," that's usually fine; it's just an acknowledgement of an actual relationship... but I can tell you that when my cousins introduce their son, he's not "our adopted son," he's "our son."  When I introduce people to Miri, she's not "my adopted niece," she's "my niece."  When our friends introduce their Chinese-born kids, they're not "our adopted children," they're "our children."

Words can hurt.  Words do hurt.  Words used carelessly cause harm.

Think about that before you wonder aloud -- or even silently in your mind -- about an adoptee being a "real" member of a family, or of an adoptive parent being a "real" parent.

And maybe, just maybe, Morgan's teaching moment will become happily, graciously, blissfully unnecessary for the next generation.

One Last Time... Twice in a Month (Plus a First)

Whoa, who put up "November" in my calendar...?!?  (That loud "whoosh" last night wasn't just the wind, it October rushing out the door.)

October, it turned out, was a month of lasts (with a small, furry "first" that I'll get back to later).  The first last (Dude, is that like "the best wurst"?!?) came early in the month with the Pipsqueak's school's annual parent/child fitness event.  It has several names because the school has -- correctly, as far as I'm concerned -- worked to acknowledge that there are a lot of nontraditional and/or reconstituted families represented in its student body, so the flyer includes "parental figures" along with a fairly comprehensive list of relatives... but the whole idea is to have each kid to work through a school-wide fitness challenge course in friendly competition with one of their associated grownups.

Unlike a couple of years ago, I got to the school on time... and was surprised to find AJ but not find the Pipsqueak.  It turned out that she was worried she might get in some kind of trouble for not showing up for her morning post as a Patrol -- she's too young for pedestrian control outside so they have her helping the kindergarteners in the mornings & afternoons instead -- and had headed off to her assigned classroom.  Lucky for me (I always get lost in that building!) AJ knew where she was, and in just a few minutes Miri and I were looking for the start of the fitness course.  After a couple of minutes of confusion, a staffer figured out where we were supposed to be and we got there just in time to be added to the group ahead of us.

And, as they say, that's when it began, with "it" being my total and complete defeat in every. single. challenge.  I've usually held back on most of them to give Miri a chance to beat me (a little less each year, by the way) but it quickly became obvious to us both that if anyone had to hold back, it was the Pipsqueak.  10 jumping jacks?  Okay, I won that one, but only because My Niece The Dancer got her feet tangled. Running ring stack? I led for 2 rings, and finished to find Miri standing with her arms crossed laughing at her slow uncle.  Tire stepping?  That was a tie, but only because I had longer legs and didn't have to move as fast.  Jumping rope?  Let's just say I provided great entertainment value to all present.  I could go on, but you get the idea... By the end of the course, I did the "standing push-ups" because I wasn't sure I'd get back up off the floor if I did the normal ones, and Miri complained "Eew, you're sweaty!) when she went to give me a congratulatory hug, but we both had a great time.

This is an event that Miri & I look forward to sharing every year, but the local middle schools don't have an event like this... so it was our last.  Sweaty, sore, and still breathing a little heavily as I sat in my car outside the school afterwards, I couldn't help but look back at how much Miri has grown (and how much older & decrepit I've become!) since the first time I had to help her walk through a row of tires on the floor.

And the second last...

We all like Halloween, and despite some really worrisome weather reports this year was no exception. Last year, AJ realized that there were plenty of pre-made (but definitely not cheap) Halloween costumes in Miri's closet, thanks to all the dance recital costumes she had to buy during the year, and this year was no different -- with one costume (thankfully not quite too small to fit back into) being a perfect "flapper" dress.

Because the weather report was so cruddy for Halloween evening, I'd planned to simply not turn on the lights out front but that plan went out the window when the doorbell rang and I found the twins from 3 houses down on the front porch with a little girl they often babysit, all smiling and saying, "TRICK OR TREAT!"  Overall, I had 22 kids (some with parents nearby on the sidewalk) trickle through despite the wind's ongoing attempts to blow them off my front porch.  The expected heavy rains showed up a bit early, so that was that -- the smallest number of trick-or-treaters I've had at the house in over 15 years of my keeping count!

But let's push the clock back a few hours to early in the afternoon... it was also the day of the annual Halloween parade at Miri's school!  We'd been wondering if the event would even happen as soon as the first weather reports came out, but the school sent out email with information on how the parade was being moved indoors this year, where to sign in, where to stand to watch, etc.

We were all glad to hear that the parade was still "on" because this would be Miri's last such school parade.  The local middle school doesn't have this event (Dude, notice a trend here?), so this instance of the parade was kinda special.

We got to the school on time and staked out a good spot in the gym at a curve in the parade path that was marked with miniature orange traffic cones.  (As one teacher mentioned while putting out some chairs, there were also LOTS of arrows directing traffic because she still remembered the last time they held the parade indoors... and what happened when one group of classes entered going the wrong way.)

Unfortunately, I don't have any good photos of the event because after getting one underexposed, blurry shot of Miri just as she entered with her class, my camera decided it should be all tricks and no treats and refused to work properly -- autofocus wibbly, onscreen level wobbly, and the only way to zoom out after zooming in was to turn the fakakte thing off completely so it could reboot.  AJ got some shots on her iPhone but I'm still waiting to see them... (Hey, Sis, if you're reading this... consider that a hint!)

Later that evening, just as my last few ToTers were visiting, Miri texted me to tell me she'd had the most successful Halloween in history -- her haul was over 160 pieces of candy!  Apparently a contributing factor was that a lot of her peers were worried about the weather and skipped a bunch of houses while my methodical (and slightly daredevilish) niece made a point of not skipping any house that looked like it was giving out candy... thus collecting the spoils passed over by everyone else.

And as for the aforementioned first...

Meet Licorice! She's a rescue kitten -- a tiny little thing! -- and as AJ says, the only part of her that isn't black is her eyes.  Her first day as a member of the family was early in the month, and I didn't know about her until a couple of days afterward when Miri kept telling me she had a secret. (By the way, she's usually awful at keeping secrets, so this really was a surprise.)  I didn't get to meet my new feline niece until after Mom & Dad had also been let in on the secret, but I have to admit she's darn cute. She and Xuan have been slowly establishing a relationship under the watchful eye of both AJ & Miri and so far, so good.  (Xuan is one of those cats to whom anything jumpy, bouncy, fast-moving, or otherwise exactly like Licorice is an anathema).  Even the worst habit she's exhibited so far is cute; she still likes to suckle on AJ's blanket, so poor Sis keeps finding wet spots (cat spit, not pee) when she goes to bed at night.

So -- despite the best efforts of my misbehaving Internet connection (thanks again, Verizon <sigh>) -- there's a quick catch-up on October.  Looking through my queue, I've found sevral forgotten, incomplete draft posts so I suspect y'all will be seeing those here soon.  Until then, I wish everyone a happy belated (in alphabetical order) Diwali, Halloween, Rosh Hashonah, Samhain, Vijayadashami, and any other special day that I managed to forget until it had passed.

Stay happy, stay healthy, and keep the California firefighters (especially our cousin Ethan) in mind 'til next time....!