Unfortunately, that's often not true. Words can hurt, words can scar, words can oppress. And sometimes even very small words said by very young children in blissful ignorance of their "behind the scenes" meaning can be as damaging as legal slander or intentional emotional abuse by an adult.
One such word that affects adoptees far, far more than anyone else is "real" (funny how it's a four-letter word)... as in the phrase, "She's not your real mother," as said to Miri by a classmate this past June. And, as story after story after story has proven, said far too often to far too many adoptees by far too many people who are either ignorant, uninformed, or downright frakking nasty. In the case of a young child saying it, there is a real opportunity for what used to be called a "teaching moment" that can shape their attitudes and behaviors for years to come...
...but sometimes the pain and embarrassment of dealing with the word's effects prevent that teaching from ever taking place, and the pain of the moment instead lives on in the heart & mind of the adoptee and their family.
I'm a member of the (private) Facebook group Parents with Children Adopted from China, where a recent post tells the tale of one such teaching moment that a young girl's big sister would not let pass unnoticed. With permission, I've reproduced the entire text of the post by Jennifer Haney Bennett below:
My older daughter wrote this in response to an incident at a Halloween party where the girls played a game they call family and there were “real” kids and “adopted” kids. Our girl was upset and fortunately her BFF saw this and ordered the game to end. We are not angry about the incident just sad as we know it won’t be the first or last time these things work into her mind and make her think things she shouldn’t. Enter big sister, Morgan, who heard what happened, came home from college and had a “sister day” with our 8 year old. Later, she wrote a fb post that I thought was quite amazing.
“The definition of the word ‘real’ is straightforward. It is not a word that is commonly misused. This being said, there are certain contexts where the word holds power. Power to hurt. Power to confuse. Power to make one overthink. The situation I am referring to is adoption.
I hear this term used all the time when referring to biological versus adopted children. “Are they your real child?” The question a person is intending to ask is “Are they your biological child?” This does not anger me. I understand that not everyone in the world has had a reason to ponder this word in depth like I have. Hearing this word used in this way simply drives me to educate.
Children who are adopted are real children for many reasons. First, in the most obvious sense, they have a heart that beats and lungs that breathe, they are real humans. The second concept is where I hear the most people struggle. Children who are adopted are real members of the family. To quote the definition above, I will say that my sister, who is adopted, is not my ‘imagined or supposed’ sister. I think very few people can argue that fact. She is the realest, coolest, smartest, funniest sister out there.
Being aware of how amazing my sister is makes it hard to see her upset. As an 8 year old, hearing the word ‘real’ used in the way described above upsets her. She doesn’t get angry and yell, but the gears in her head start turning and going into overdrive. She ponders phrases like these with her whole heart. At eight years old she thinks about the validity of her family. I know that she knows she is our family, but the fact that others might be confused about that has an effect on her that is heartbreaking to me as her sister.
Take time and choose your words carefully. Think about how they might be perceived. Parents, take 5 minutes out of your day to explain this to your child, your partner, your friends, your parents, the cashier at the grocery store. I would appreciate it and many others would as well.”
-- Morgan Bennett 20, sister to Emme Bennett 8
As wonderful as Big Sis' powerful response to her Lil' Sis having to deal with some adoption-related caca might be, the in-group responses to the post include a number of stories that show far too many people seem to believe that "family" is defined solely, purely, and irreconcilably by shared genes and nothing else, almost always to the very real detriment of adoptees and their families. My niece IS. MY. NIECE. PERIOD. You try to attack or deny the mother-daughter link AJ has with Miri, and there ain't no power on this planet that will save your sorry butt from having some of your genome spread out on the floor.
Yes, we've all heard the news stories about the idiot who put her adopted kid on a plane back to Russia because he was more difficult to deal with than she wanted him to be, and we've all heard the news stories about the beast who killed her adopted daughter and stashed the body in her freezer... But those stand out because they are so over the top, unique, aberrant, and unacceptable -- but they are a hallmark of unprepared, unrealistic, self-absorbed and possibly mentally deficient individuals and NOT of adoptive families. (Go ask any CPS worker for a few horror stories involving "real" families comprised entirely of blood relatives and your hemoglobin will curdle. I promise.)
By now, we've also all seen the joke in "The Avengers" movie when Thor's entire explanation for Loki's behavior is, "He's adopted." I have to admit I chuckled the first time -- but then I lost the next couple of minutes of the movie because the actual meaning & effect of that statement hit me, and I was so, so, soooo very glad Miri wasn't there with me because I know that chuckle would've hurt her, young as she was.
Who is a "real" parent? Shared genes don't raise a child; love and care and involvement and support and encouragement and education and a crap ton of other things raise a child and make someone a parent. Who is a "real" member of a family? In a society where people really mean it when they say their dog, cat, pot-bellied pig, etc. etc. "is a member of my family" there is zero excuse for a human being who is loved, is cared for, and shares every aspect of other family members' lives to be considered anything BUT a "real" member of the family. (Chew on this a moment: your spouse is about as "family" as anyone can get, but is he/she a blood relative...? It's all based on a personal choice of label and a piece of paper with an official stamp -- so why is that not equally acceptable for adoptees?)
You want to talk about "bio kids" and "bio parents" or "birth parents," that's usually fine; it's just an acknowledgement of an actual relationship... but I can tell you that when my cousins introduce their son, he's not "our adopted son," he's "our son." When I introduce people to Miri, she's not "my adopted niece," she's "my niece." When our friends introduce their Chinese-born kids, they're not "our adopted children," they're "our children."
Words can hurt. Words do hurt. Words used carelessly cause harm.
Think about that before you wonder aloud -- or even silently in your mind -- about an adoptee being a "real" member of a family, or of an adoptive parent being a "real" parent.
And maybe, just maybe, Morgan's teaching moment will become happily, graciously, blissfully unnecessary for the next generation.
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